MACHOO

Assumptions People Make Because I'm a Minster

2008-10-07T21:53:00.000-07:00

#1) I MELT WHEN YOU CUSS

People who normally have a knack for profanity seem to bottle it or correct themselves around me.

I was around a group of people the other day who were getting ready to say a joke. The person delivering the joke aknowledged me for a moment in saying that he would not say the joke around me because it was vulger.

When people learned that I have served as a pastor, life around me becomes rated G. People go from Eddie Murphy to Walt Disney in seconds. Someone will drop 'the F bomb', turn their heads, notice me, and offer an ambarrassed apology. I can't count how many times I will be excluded from conversation for fear of tainting my 'virgin ears'.

I understand the unwritten rule about respecting a 'Man of God', but I have something to say: not only have I heard it before, I used to say it...A LOT. Yes, after my Christian conversion, I decided swearing was something I wanted to leave behind. Beforehand, I would have made a sailor blush. I wasn't an athlete, but if cussing was a sport, I would've been an MVP.

Some remember me in my early years, walking into a church, discovering a highly offensive way of praising the Lord. "----in' halelujiah! Praise the ----in' Lord!Give God the mother----in' praise!" Oh yes. I prided myself in profanity.

And in short, people, I won't melt if you cuss. It's not like I want you to, but I'm not a porcelin doll who will crack and break either. I'm a veteran who used it all and then some. So please, stop being such a ----- and be ----in' honest and just be your ----in' self!

Fundamentalism Funny?

2008-09-29T18:55:00.001-07:00

I want to begin with a disclaimer that this review carries with it a bias. Not only is Matthew Paul turner my friend, but my wife grew up in the same church and Christian school that he did. Though he changed all the names, I know about nearly everyone that he refers to. For me and especially for my wife, this book is a real treat when you can put faces and locale on a nationally published memoir. But its also a curse because the wonderful shock value that many will experience in reading this is dulled significantly for me.

That being said, I truly believe that Churched is author Matthew Paul Turner’s breakthrough achievement. I have read nearly all fifteen of his books. Each book, beginning with Christian Culture Survival Guide, slowly shaped what would become Turner’s signature style. With each book, he strayed further from Christian advice and closer to genuine storytelling. Churched is the book he wanted to write all along. For Turner fans, this is the book you been waiting on him to write. For many Christians who routinely go to the religion section at Borders in search of their regular helping of Christian living guides, Turner’s poignant and completely hilarious memoir will be a sweet shock to the system. In fact, I think anyone of any religion or background would enjoy this.

Churched is not a seven key guide to a better spiritual life, nor is it a devotional. And he doesn’t try to tell you how to survive abusive church doctrine as the cover might suggest. It is Turner’s story, or should I say a collection of stories. His memoir is loosely chronological and uses several essays to portray a different facet of life growing up in a highly strict and fundamentalist environment. He covers everything from hypertensive paranoia of Satan to a soul winning contest where the prize is too priceless to spoil on this review. At four years old, Turner’s family decided that God no longer favored their Methodist church and converted to a fundamentalist Baptist Church plant. Matthew leaves what he described as normal childhood to an environment where fire and brimstone was delivered in bulk. Long hair was no longer allowed to touch his ears and The Smurfs were strictly forbidden. Turner, as the protagonist, portrays himself as a sincere young man who wants nothing more than to be pleasing to Heavenly Father, which is also mirrored by his high admiration for his own father. He is a constant for Matthew, who achieves a balance that keeps his feet on the ground and his head in the clouds at the same time.

At first glance, this is a book about fundamentalism; but look deeper and you will find that it’s also about boyhood innocence. Look deeper and you’ll see it’s also about the relationships we have with our parents. Look deeper and you see a story about an era in the 80’s where pop culture and evangelicals collided through the media. Peel another layer back and you see two constant themes: fear and hope. Perhaps you will see other layers that I missed, which makes this story worth reading multiple times.

This book is packed with stories that will take you off guard and cause you to laugh out loud. Because they are true makes them even funnier. In one scene, Turner describes the ‘heroism’ of a ‘Godly’ mother protecting her children from the “bad part” while watching Ben Hur. In another, a member of the church grouchily explains that smoking is a sin, as it will greatly increase the risk of giving Jesus cancer since he lives in your heart. The two signature stories that most people will talk about is the demonstration of hell in Sunday School by burning Barbies. The annual boxing match between his Pastor and Satan are worth the price of the book alone. The book could easily be dark and filled with angst, but I appreciate that Turner decided to forgo heavy emotional nuances and take on a tone that is honest, nostalgic, whimsical and sympathetic. Like good art, he shows you his world and you have the opportunity to react as you see fit. The greatest gift of this book, in my opinion, is that Turner isn’t bitter. Despite being poorly misrepresented, he still loves Jesus.

My only real criticism is that I wished that the book would have included at least a few photographs that he regularly displays on his blog (www.jesusneedsnewpr.blogspot.com) that features he and his sisters dressed for church. Given the awkward humor of the text, I think readers would benefit from the visuals as a little added proof.

In my opinion, Matthew Paul Turner has found his voice. Though he has kept his writing career alive with books on dating advice, college preparation, and relearning Christianity; Churched marks him as an author who stands alone in a new wave of Christian literature that forgoes an agenda and does the good and simple act of writing good books. He is by and large a storyteller and I hope he stays this way. Respectably, his memoir can sit as easily on a shelf next to a David Sedaris or Augustine Burroughs as it can in Family Christian stores. I certainly hope that Churched is the first of many books of this magnitude that stays with me long after I have shut it.

I'm Back Baby!!!

2008-09-29T18:52:00.001-07:00

I look forward to bringing the very best (or worst depending on your perception) of my thought life.

America the Beautiful...

2008-05-07T04:36:00.000-07:00

My Wife Is Buff!

2008-05-01T20:34:00.000-07:00

This is my wife, and she is tough.

It is a really cool thing being married to a personal trainer. I mean, she's fit and sexy...definetely MAJOR bragging rights for a guy such as myself.

At the same time, I have to watch out! When we were dating, she was still in the process of losing some weight and learning how to exercise. Back in those days, I used to show her things. Now, she totally dominates in me in fitness. She has so completely surpassed me. It's like she has evolutionized before my eyes into this advanced being. People that have done her health assesments recently have been amazed at her health scores being off the charts.

See, now I must beware, lest I lose an arm! It's a weird place, being an average guy married to a fitness guru. The 'old school' in me struggles with the idea of being the lesser talent physically. At work, people always threaten to tell my wife when they see me eating some candy. "Oh, you're going to get it!" they say as they dial her number.

However, the missus has shown me grace from time to time, which is good. I need a little more slack as I lack talent in self restraint. This little lady of mine is such a valuable resource for fitness and is teaching me so much.

Check out her website at www.amandaheartsfitness.blogspot.com

Comment if you made it through the whole thing!!!

2008-04-29T21:48:00.000-07:00

What is worse is that this guy is wearing a Mud Hens jersey, indicating that he is from my hometown, Toledo. First Katy Holmes, now this!

Moments of Extreme Cuteness!

2008-04-26T05:59:00.000-07:00

Tell me this doesn't make you melt! A first ever shout out to Korea and the Beatles at the same time!

The Thing.......

2008-04-19T10:37:00.001-07:00

Is it a cat? A rhino? Pig? All three? You decide. This is what my head does with free time!

Hokey Pokey: A Review

2008-04-17T18:39:00.000-07:00

Are you ready to figure out your life's calling? Tired of feeling confused about the utter perplexity that is involved in figuring out your life? If you answer yes and are ready for a ten step, fail-proof guide to a self assured, worry free understanding of your calling... then this book may confuse you.

Smart and breezy, challenging yet refreshing; Matthew Paul Turner has, in my opinion, hit a home run on his newest book entitled, Hokey Pokey: Curious People Finding What Life is All About. Turner, an author and contributor to more than 14 books in a five year span, has quickly established himself as a humorous and sometimes 'edgy' social commentator in the world of Christian culture. However, a phenomenon is occurring to where the commentary is decreasing and his self professed identity as a storyteller is taking shape. This book is the newest in that evolution.

Question: How would a writer go about the difficult task of tackling such a loaded subject like discovering personal calling?

In Hokey Pokey, Turner attempts to enrich us not with piles of scripture, theological reference, acronyms or a twelve step process. Instead, he has stories. Lots and lots of stories, including conversations and interviews with ordinary people (with the exception of Turner's idol, Amy Grant and a brief stint with Kirk Cameron) who have encountered God's calling in many different ways. The book is written conversationally, detouring only to ask the readers questions for reflection. The book is intentional in not providing "all the answers", but rather gives you the lives of several 'curious' people as food for thought in several different facets of calling. In the book, you will meet people, young and old, rich and homeless, happy and broken, who each have a lesson hidden in thier experience. Not to mention that the author shares a sizable piece of the pie with his experiences as well. The formula for this peice of writing is simply from life itself and everyone who shares it with us.

I found this book to be a refreshing journey, as it sets you up to be personally invested. From the start, I sensed that this was not a one stop excursion; rather that this would be a series of 'aha' moments that would need to be revisited. I felt involved and I felt that this book-with all it's personal stories- was directed towards me. These stories somehow became my own as I could identify with the struggles, while at the same time feel utterly challenged by it all. The stories feel like pieces in a puzzle asking where you fit in this picture. From subjects about waiting on God to confronting the sometimes hard truth about ourselves, this book is an overall good conversation about calling. I will say, though, that the conversation driven medium is a bit disarming, as I have been so used to the 'how-to' format in Christian writing. Halfway through this book, I began to get it and now appreciate a Christian author that just 'writes'.

Not to spoil, but this book does not have all the answers. But it will stick with you long after all the pages have been turned. I have finished the book, but strangely enough, the conversation seems to continue.

A Little Vacay!

2008-04-08T21:13:00.001-07:00

One more day away, and the missus and I head out on a small adventure for 6 days. Two days of travel coupled with four days of 'chill' and I could not be happier. So where are we heading, you wonder? The Caman Islands? Peurto Rico? Guam?

Even better: Indiana.

Oh yeah!

We're not traveling there as a hope for an exotic vacation, unless you consider flat farm land an exotic locale. No, we're just visiting friends, and I couldn't be more pleased. Not that exotic vacations and cruises aren't good. But sometimes, just a simple place with good friends and nothing to do but enjoy several days of free time-without the stress of passports and tourists- can be the best type of recreation for our rapidly busy world.

Cheers to Indiana! And corn for that matter!

More Highlighter Art!

2008-04-05T22:08:00.000-07:00

Highlighter Art (first installment)

2008-04-04T22:01:00.000-07:00

There will be more when I feel like scanning them. This was the first that I created when I was fed up with paper work for the night.

Rabbits and Emotion: A Bizarre Combination.

2008-04-03T20:17:00.000-07:00

I suppose I sometimes feel like these rabbits that I drew. These rabbits pretty much sum up my head right now: Different emotions tightly meshed together and driving one another nuts.

At times I have been feeling impatient. Other times, confused. And in the middle of the two I feel ticked off about feeling either way. Ever get that way? You know-maybe you are on the verge of something new and exciting, but you aren't quite sure what it is. Perhaps this makes you impatient, which causes you to feel even more confused, which eventually cause frustration to pop his head in and say, "Enough, already! You two are both driving me insane!" But then the frustration just causes impatience to get louder while confusion is just getting more...well, you know.

Anyhow, my suggestion for myself-and maybe, for some of you who are crazy enough to even understand this- is to not become so exhausted by the things ahead. It's easy to let these emotions drive you crazy, especially if you have felt 'stuck' for some time. It's exciting when you feel like a much needed change is about to occur, but allowing these emotions to go crazy could sabotage a good thing, or at the very least, cause the journey to be un-enjoyable.

Maybe this doesn't connect with you. For that, I apologize. I suppose my head is an eclectic maze of sorts. But then again, who's isn't these days?

Pure television crack!

2008-01-25T20:19:00.000-08:00

What can I say? I'm hooked on American Gladiators. This show, if not handled carefully, can be addictive to say the least. To be honest, I've never been a fan of pro wrestling, to which this is probably compared. But I love this stuff.

Maybe its the idea that these guys practically leap off a comic books page, I don't know. Or maybe because it doesn't pretend to be more than what it is: a game...or contest if you will. Amateur athletes try their strength against abnormally huge human beings also gifted with the agility of cheetas! All this done in an arena littered with gym mats!

For once, television has brought back a show worth resurrecting!

In from the cold, white fluffy stuff.

2008-01-17T13:46:00.000-08:00

Well, snow finally arrived here in Virginia. Work was cancelled, so was school.

All is well with the world.

Until the Cabin Fever kicks in.

Powder!

2008-01-05T10:34:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, I was reminded why I am so glad that I am not back in High School.

I work as a counselor, and I had to pick up a student from school. Unable to locate him, I had to park my car and go talk to the office. During my trip, my ears were ringing from heckling calls from squeaky voiced teenagers.

"Powder!" One shouted. "Powder!" By this time, I knew he was talking about me. Ha, ha-how original: calling a guy with platinum blond hair and pale skin "Powder". Being that I am 28, married, and a professional, I felt it best not to pay him or his pubescent buddies any mind. Who are they anyhow? As the the 'Beavis and Butthead' style laughter increased, so did the heckling. I kept forward, not looking back, and even decided to pull out my cell phone to prepare a call. My nerves were now tested as it was obvious among all the teens that I was being challenged. Curse words became interwoven in the 'powder' comments, and his voice scratched into a squeak as he now elevated to calling me a "coke-head".

It was, admittedly, quite the temptation to turn around and humiliate this butt hole in front of all his cronies. To shock him by turning around and playing mind games, or perhaps, use my credibility as an adult and counselor to 'stretch' my testimony to get this kid suspended. Oh, I laughed inside knowing that I could wreck this guy. What an idiot! He may have thought that I was a teenager because, even in a suit, I look young for my age.

I felt inside, what many teens feel at school, and I pity them. My how it sucks to get harassed when you're trying to mind your own business! When images came into my mind of making this boy's face look like a Cabbage Patch Kid's, I laughed to myself. I am ten years out of high school, and yet the pressure of that atmosphere still creates anxiety in me. It is hard being a teen.

For those of you still in high school, I feel your pain. Fret not, though. High School will be over in a jiff, and your former bullies will be changing your oil at a Jiffy Lube (not that there's anything wrong with that)!

I HAVE RETURNED!

2008-01-05T10:20:00.000-08:00

Yes, everyone, I believe the smoke of the holidays is finally clearing. Whew!

I will be ready to recieve and answer your letters again!

**A word about writing me e-mails: Please do, but keep your questions relatively short and specific. We live in an ADD world, and no one wants to spend more than 2-5 minutes reading a post! I have been recieving virtual novels for questions, and fear to respond due to boring my readers....or confusing them!

DEAR MACHOO

2007-12-07T19:24:00.000-08:00

**Part 1 of the same letter***

I agree that Christmas has become too commercialized. Although I don't fear Santa Claus or any other fat bearded jolly old man. I think Santa is an attempt at filling the void in the hearts of children when God alone can do so. Many children see the similarities between Santa and God. When they discover that Santa isn't real and that their parents had lied to them, then they don't know who to trust and believe that God is a fairytale too. I have heard it before when kids and teens say that "God is like Santa Claus, He doesn't exist." I am personally having a problem with the entire idea of Christmas itself. Do we really need Christmas Machoo?

-Deeply Concerned

Dear Concerned,

I Personally fear the fat bearded jolly man as he appears today. He looks like Karl Marx suited in red, making statements that you are being watched at all times to decide whether you make his good list. Plus, you must have a food offering present when he enters your home unannounced. Creepy!

To be honest, 'Santa' really did exist. Though his name was St. Nicolas, and he lived around 3o0 AD in Greece. He probably didn't look like Jerry Garcia not on drugs. Though he did give gifts in the form of money to save a man's daughters from being sold into prostitution. He was actually an awesome guy, very unlike our Coca-Cola Santa who gives conditional gifts. Google it!When it comes to old St. Nick, I prefer to talk about the Greek version over Santa any day!

As far as your question about whether we even need Christmas: I don't think we have a choice! It's really here to stay, and it effects everybody. Christmas isn't so much an option as it is how we choose to spend it and share it.

DEAR MACHOO

2007-12-07T18:48:00.000-08:00

**Part two of the same letter**

Shouldn't every day be about family, friends and giving and serving God and believing upon Christ? I have recently found out that there are churches out there that completely teach against Christmas which I was not aware of before. Why are the mainstream churches all bending to accept pagan beliefs? Ok I know I am asking a lot of questions here but I don't think any of this pleases God. I believe that the Catholic Church still has some control over mainstream churches. In that protestant churches still celebrate the pagan festivals of the Church of Rome. I truely believe there is only one way to stop this madness. If Christians stood together against Christmas because in my view Christmas is of Anti-Christ. Look at all the idols from Christmas trees to manger scenes. It sickens my stomach and makes me want to puke. Machoo do you think it is possible to bring enough people against Christmas to make a significant differance?

-Deeply Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Christmas trees make me want to puke, too, though it may be because of the pine smell! Come to think of, American Idol makes me want to puke, too, speaking of idols. Sanjaya kinda creeped me out. Though the 'fro-hawk' was quite an innovation, one I tried myself. Stylin!!

Anyhow, I truly admire what you said about doing the things we typically set aside once a year for and making it an everyday practice. I wish more people were like you and understood that. Since there isn't, I suppose many people find it useful to have a yearly reminder.

Believe it or not, many churches are trying to figure out how to keep Christ in this holiday. It's just that different churches and people have different ideas of what is pagan. You spoke of rallying together....some people already have. Check this out.

DEAR MACHOO

2007-12-07T18:14:00.000-08:00

**Part 3 of the same letter***

Also I feel kind of alone because of how I feel about this holiday. It is like people want to shun those like me because they think I am out to destroy God or something. Why do most Christians accept only what their churches say and are afraid to believe other things? How do we know that the churches are teaching the right things and not something completely off the wall with false interpretations of scripture? I think we all need to go get our memories erased and wake up and read the Bible for ourselves and seek truth instead of accepting every idea and tradition that religion teaches us.

- Deeply Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Unless you can speak and read Greek and Hebrew, than I am afraid that you will have to read a translation, or interpretation of scripture like most of us in America (including MACHOO)! Of course you have concordances, lexicons, and all sorts of guides to help you decipher the language behind the translation. Unfortunately, with a book as amazing as the Bible, none of us are free from the struggle to make it say what we want it to. That means we normally focus on one part and ignore another-yuck! We're all guilty of it. Eaten shrimp lately? If so, you may want to see Leviticus. Sinner.

You're right, though, in wanting something pure in your faith, untainted by meaningless religious traditions. You're sincerity in searching meaning in scripture for yourself is also commendable. However, a large populations of Christians also spend hours of personal time searching for God too, and for many of them, their traditions and rituals remind them of why they do what they do. Traditions and holidays, though often misconstrued, have power to remind us of what is truly important to all of us; and behind all the garbage that we pile on is our God who was there all along.

By the way, I had my mind erased yesterday and I feel GREAT!

Dear MACHOO

2007-12-05T21:10:00.000-08:00

I have a phobia that I don't share with too many people. I'm not sure about the technical term for it, but all I know is that I really have a fear of Santa Clause! Every year, I'm stuck in my house when I should be out shopping. But I know that he's at the malls and at grocery stores. I've even seen him in banks!!!!! Every time I see him on the television, I can't breathe. I just freeze in place and shut my eyes tight hoping he'll go away. Every time I hear someone say, "Ho-ho-ho", I feel like I have to vomit! MACHOO, what should I do?!

-Freaked out for the holidays

Dear Freaked,

You might not believe me, but you may be more in touch with reality than you think! I think you should fear Santa-we all should. Maybe not in the terror-like fashion that you describe. More-over, caution about Mr. Cringle should be more widely adopted. When you think of it, it should cause some panic. Every year, a "Big Brother for Kids" is pushed in nearly every home, assuring our young ones that they are being watched at all times and will suffer heartbreaking consequences for unruly behavior. Then, in a cruel twist: a poor child may work really hard at obedience, only to get a percentage of his desires while he watches his rich bullies flaunt their amazing new toys during show-and-tell.

The psychology of Santa can really suck, my friend. Though I believe that your fears may having nothing to do with systemic classism as much as something traumatic that occurred in your past. Maybe one of his reindeer really did run over your grandmother (Just a joke, lighten up!).

But if holiday cans of coke are sending you screaming, you may want to see a shrink that doesn't have a beard.

MACHOO and Christmas Spirit

2007-12-01T08:22:00.000-08:00

"I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause......maybe more than that."

Face it....our real master is the fat red man himself! Every year we prepare to snap to attention. Almost every business shuts down so we can celebrate it. We lose track of our wastelines as we begin to gorge on 'holiday appropriate' sweets. Our stomachs bulge to the point of bursting and we take extra Advil just to endure the many screams of children echoing through the store. The happiness of the jingling music does not match the faces of the many employees at our local malls. We flag our colors of devotion (red and green) in the form of clothing and housing decorations. The fat man has power, my friends.

But I can't help but love him.

Maybe that's because my father was Santa Clause.

Several years after the event, I was told the earth shattering news of that day in the grocery store. I feel like an idiot now. But I was just a kid-a kid like any other who believed that Santa Clause was eager to bestow many gifts upon me for obediant behavior throughout the year. My mother took me into a grocery store to shop, when she took me to see Santa. He seemed especially happy to see me, as was I to see him. What a glorious time I had discussing my behavioral success with the enlightened fat celebrity! Mom even told me that she was going to grab some groceries and she gave me the option of hanging out with Santa. Sparkly eyed, I gazed at the icon, unaware that just behind the red costume was the man who had given me life. The man who was around much more than once a year. When I learned this news as an adult, I became even more aware of the phenomenon and frenzy that is Christmas.

As a Christian, I understand that Jesus is the reason for the season. But I'm not sure I completely agree anymore. Idealy, yes. In origin, yes. But the reality is that Christmas has become something else. What began as a religion specific holiday became a world wide event celebrated in several different ways. For good or for bad, it is what it is: a man made machine. The true interpretation of Santa Clause to me-or Christmas for that matter- is what was reality.

Behind the frenzy was a man who loved his son, and participated in the holiday for his family (he held odd jobs while in college). The real magic was the man who wore the suit.

Maybe you're like me: somewhere in between "Merry Christmas" and Ba-humbug". Maybe you are beginning to hate consumerism yet still become enchanted with the season. Maybe you long for a place free from Santa's tyranny.

But maybe....just maybe....behind the shiny fake suit is what you've had all along.

Surrounded by kooks!

2007-11-28T19:06:00.000-08:00

You ever have one of those days where nearly every person you come into contact with is out of thier mind? You know, the feeling you begin to have when you start to think that maybe you are just predisposed to being stuck with crazy people? Why is it that some people always gloat about thier wonderful encounters with envigorating individuals who changed thier lives forever; while others constantly share stories of being stuck in a waiting room with a man who believes he's Jesus' daughter?

Yes, as you can imagine, I had one of those days. It's probably because I'm the weird guy in the waiting room, only I don't realize it most times. Even if that is the case, I need a break from crazy people sometimes. How hard is anymore to just sit down and chat with someone? Why must they be insane? Maybe this is my penalty for living in rural Virginia where most citizens here live in houses sucluded deep in the woods.

Anyhow, I am home away from the funny farm, and now I must recuperate.

Dear MACHOO

2007-11-28T18:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Machoo-

I felt bad for you because no one has asked you any questions. You have so much knowledge to bequeath us with I'm sure! I just don't know what to ask you. I don't have a child with a gas issue. I don't even think I have any problems that would probably match that. But I love your head and every blonde hair that sticks out of it! I know I would love it if you wrote about funny things that happen to you and the humorous weird side of your crazy world! I'm sure everyone else feels the same. We love your head MACHOO! We want inside!

Signed,
Beloved

Dear Beloved,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. Though, I'm not sure you know what you are asking. My head, you see, is dangerous. Walking through my head is like Toon Town in "Who Framed Rodger Rabbit". It is indeed a wild place to navigate. I suppose you are right though. I shall continue on....just don't say I didn't warn you!

P.S: I bet you'd make a great wife!

Dear MACHOO:

2007-11-09T20:48:00.000-08:00

I have a kid who farts too much, and to be honest with you, it really grosses me out. Last week when we were at Taco Bell, he broke wind so often that we could hear an old man gagging behind us shortly before he dashed to the bathroom. Yesterday we were at McDonald's, and guess what? My son cut the cheese in such a disgusting way that a few customers complained to management. We were almost asked to leave. Tonight, his butt smoke was so thick in the room that I could taste it over my pizza. He's such a sensitive boy and I hate to hurt his feelings, but something has got to give. What should I do?

-A very disgusted parent

Dear Disgusted,

My, you certainly have an arsenal of nicknames for your son's flatulence! I must say that "butt smoke" is my favorite. Seeing as though you have a sensitive child on your hands, you may want to cut down on such 'eloquent' descriptions. As far as an actual solution to your son's excessive emission of methane, I'm not a doctor. You better check with him/her first, though it does sound like you are quite the lover of fast food. You may want to consider giving your boy a piece of fruit now and then.

And no, a Fruit Roll-Up doesn't count!

Exercise may be better than beatings!

2007-11-03T14:17:00.000-07:00

I was at the gym today where my wife works as a fitness instructor.

It was only day #1 this week for exercise, and it is Saturday. My wife, I am sure, is not happy about this.

Now, granted, I have some grace in the matter as I had a colonoscopy this week. Unfortunately I was deficient the last two weeks as well. I suppose I'm running out of excuses. It is a surreal place, being the husband of an incredibly talented personal trainer.

It's no secret that my wife kicks my tail in the gym. She completely dominates me. I am not out of shape, but I'm not fit like a Spartan as my wife is either. The other day, I could hear her on the other side of the gym, galloping on the treadmill for nearly an hour. Thump-thump-thump-thump-thump. I wish I could assure you that she took an easy jog for that length of time-ha! It was more like a steady sprint! For an hour!

Now here I am, poking along and getting winded after a half hour on machines and wanting to go home.

I try desperately hard not to use being busy as an excuse for occasional lapses in my fitness agenda. I try hard mainly because I will receive a beating from my lovely wife. That's right....a beating. All the single folks reading this may shake their heads and think I'm 'whipped', but married men know exactly what I'm talking about. It's not in any book about marriage that I've read, but I tell you that beatings quickly follow "I do". Nobody warned me of this. Now, I try to find ways to avoid these episodes.

I may not always feel like exercising, but I never feel like a beating.

So it was on this day that I sweated, grunted, pumped iron, ran laps, and sweated all the more.

After getting started, I looked at my wife as she was working, and admired her strength and beauty. Beatings or not, she had something to teach me. This is her gift. I asked her to help me-to show me the way. I mean how many people can get personal training for free?

Know what? I feel better. I feel healthier. I will be able to sleep soundly tonight...that is if I'm not knocked out cold first.

(Artwork above by your truly)

Let's begin, shall we?

2007-11-01T19:27:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm starting a new blog and all. This ought to be interesting. I hope to put cartoons and stuff up. I really hope this to be a fun site.

Though I guess I'm not kicking this off to a good start by showing this photo. Does this scream interesting to you? I think it shows constipation or the very epitome of boredom.

Yes, I'm naturally this blond.

No. I'm not an albino. Thanks for asking.

Keep posted.